hardasiron

something you should all know

2007-11-02T10:13:00.001Z

she is the most successful female singer ever (shifting over 350 million records) and the guardian just gave her a four star review.

a question...

2007-10-23T07:57:00.000Z

what did the monkey say to the snake?

shortcuts

2007-09-07T08:23:00.000Z

Area Man Knows All The Shortcut Keys

NEW BRITAIN, CT-Catalog copywriter Roger Turlock knows all the keyboard combinations that execute a computer's common commands, the Comfort Uniforms employee said yet again Tuesday.

a joke from my mum

2007-09-06T08:37:00.000Z

why are scientist's working on musical breast implants?

because so many women are complaining that men are staring at their boobs and not listening to them.

fallam hoe

2007-09-04T08:27:00.000Z

definitely worth a peep.

a heady mix of beauty and brains...

2007-08-29T14:03:00.000Z

Lauren Caitlin Upton, Ms South Carolina (& contestant in Miss Teen USA pageant) when asked why so many Americans can't find their country on a map:

'I personally believe US Americans are unable to do so because some people out there in our nation don't have maps, and I believe our education like such as in South Africa and the Iraq everywhere like such as. And I believe they should, our education over here in the US should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future. For our children.'

appropriate horrorscope

2007-08-28T14:09:00.000Z

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Your longtime wish for a better poker face will finally be granted this week; unfortunately, you'll lack the mental capacity required to play poker after the stroke.

yves klein - leap into the void

2007-08-27T13:35:00.000Z

so i'm back

2007-06-07T15:28:00.000Z

well i did indeed pull some faces at

now back in the world of running water and electricity... although it turns out my flat has no ceiling following a storm last week... so i'm on the look out for beds to crash on (preferably empty ones) for the next few weeks in the burgh if anyone has one to offer...

i'm off...

2007-05-14T21:14:00.000Z

...to pull faces at people i'm too scared to put photos of on my blog...

four hours of power per day

2007-05-09T13:53:00.000Z

guess i won't be straightening my hair then.

seriously

2007-05-08T16:20:00.003Z

i really don't care.

pants

2007-05-03T16:08:00.000Z

i'm going to zimbabwe innit. and i'm on the look out for new kiddies underwear to take with me for the poor little orphans. let me know if you wanna contribute any (or any money towards some.) h & m have got great ones at the moment, with like dinosaurs and spiderman on them and stuff.

go on, be wild.

ta.

stuff on my cat

2007-04-23T18:26:00.000Z

check out www.stuffonmycat.com ... it's people's cats ... with stuff on.

it has been a good while

2007-04-13T21:30:00.000Z

jesus was dounble-jointed

'they say if you look closely at paintings of jesus on the cross from the middle ages, you can see his arms are bent slightly out. they've done studies, and it turns out that it's because he was actually dounble-jointed.
under normal circumstances, crucifixion killed fairly quickly. after an hour or so, you pretty much suffocated or your heart gave out. they've done studies on this as well.
jesus had to stay alive a bit longer because he had his destiny to fulfil, of course. he had to live until he'd converted the two thieves crucified on either side of him and until the sky turned red on good friday. but he also had to be all human at the time too, because that was kind of the whole point. what god did was make him double-jointed, so he was a bit more flexible and could hang there a bit longer, hold himself up, suffer a bit more and live long enough to fulfil his sacrifice. if you look closely at the paintings that hang in rome, you can see that his elbows bend against the slightly more than is normal. it's true, just look. they say it's because of a scripture from song of solomon about how "his joints are like jewels".
later paintings don't show this, but they say it's because they were painted further away from the actual event.'

jesus' elbows and other christian urban myths, patrick ness.

opening the laminated book of dreams/nightmares...

2007-03-31T02:24:00.000Z

what has two legs and bleeds?
half a dog.

the last good joke i heard.

without such things the world would be a depressingly macabre place.

wise words

2007-03-25T16:28:00.000Z

'the best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.'
- w. c. fields.

family promotion...

2007-03-12T15:13:00.000Z

'Like Photek before him, Robert Logan has discovered his dark side at a tender age and has found an electronic, yet very deep and curiously moving means of expression. The touchstones are there - Kraftwerk (natch), The Boards of Canada, Eno, Vibert, Photek, but they are really just signposts along the way, showing possible directions that give you a sense of knowing where you are and where you are going...but a journey through Logan's mind is clearly never going to be that straightforward.

Brooding, swirling, swathes of sound come at you from all directions, underpinned by some seriously deep base and twisting beats. But it never feels out of control or flabby. There is a rigorous standard to the programming and editing that exerts an incredible sense of control yet also allows real feelings to germinate and blossom in the listener - ranging from the paranoia of ''Lost Highway'' to the positively scary ''Budapest''. This is the link between the completely urban, dancefloor focused scenes of grime, ragga, dubstep and the industrial/suburban landscape of teenage bedrooms, twitching curtained cul-de-sacs and the discovery of the inner life.

The ability to create a dark, brooding ambience is nothing new, but the ability to take this and grow an organic world around it whilst pushing you almost...but not quite...onto the dancefloor marks out Robert Logan as something of a prodigy. Already drafted in to work on textures and beats for the next Grace Jones album, Robert Logan is a man that is already showing a maturity and a musical/textural understanding that many simply never find.'

Reviewer: Guy Hayden, BBC

myspace.com/robertlogan

heavenly harmonies. funky as hell.

2007-03-06T23:15:00.000Z

this friday 9th another mama popcorn night of delight.
counting house, west nicolson street.
you know the score if you've seen us before - expect the unexpected and tighten your drawstrings for a pant-swinging extravaganza of big-mama proportions.

tickets £5 to book, contact me to book.
doors 8.30pm, band on stage 9pm.

be there or go spare.

horoscopes

2007-02-14T16:46:00.000Z

Your Birthday Today:
A short stint as a human cannonball will eventually lead you to a much longer stint as a human corpse.

Aquarius:
Be prepared to shop till you drop when searching for an affordable supplier of heart medication this week.

tuesday the 13th

2007-02-13T15:23:00.000Z

today i have noticed that a lot of the world is walking around with stickers stuck to the bottom of its shoes.
come on people, lets pay more attention to our appearances.

i am feeling old. but i don't look my age.

where can you see lions?

2007-01-29T09:28:00.000Z

only in kenya

lame

2007-01-19T16:26:00.000Z

all my sons

2007-01-18T15:59:00.000Z

build your own house...

2007-01-17T14:26:00.000Z

...for £3000.

green rebellion

2007-01-12T13:43:00.000Z

whilst you are tucked up with your hot water bottle, dreaming of goblins and gremlins, real life guerilla-gardeners are out an about beautifying your world...

shot from the right angle

2007-01-11T09:25:00.001Z

good innocent fun

2007-01-10T15:54:00.000Z

two things:

- look out for new hatted drinks coming from the 27th january. i'm excited, you should be too.

- seven ways to have a slightly better 2007

30 second entertainments

2007-01-10T15:11:00.000Z

follow the picture link to see 30 second bunny re-enactments of all your favourite films.

an interesting fact and an allegation

2007-01-09T14:43:00.000Z

1. While it's an offence to drop litter on the pavement, it's not an offence to throw it over someone's garden wall.

2. One in 10 Europeans is allegedly conceived in an Ikea bed.

nothing stays the same

2007-01-04T10:08:00.000Z

2006 blog highlights

2007-01-03T14:32:00.000Z

http://hardasiron.blogspot.com/2006_05_15_archive.html

http://hardasiron.blogspot.com/2006_05_29_archive.html

http://hardasiron.blogspot.com/2006_10_11_archive.html

and the number one of all time - may it be wedged in your head forever:

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/numa.php

cripes!

2007-01-03T14:22:00.000Z

so apparently this is the world's biggest bunny...

that ain't nothin compared to the rat my bro and his housemates once found...

christmas 2006

2006-12-24T15:00:00.000Z

exciting contributions to christmas 2006:

1. the card above - thank you mr. d

2. a sellotape dispenser

3. a new game called 'toot along to christmas songs on the radio whilst driving around your local village'

my favourite poem

2006-12-20T16:13:00.000Z

`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!"

He took his vorpal sword in hand:
Long time the manxome foe he sought --
So rested he by the Tumtum tree,
And stood awhile in thought.

And, as in uffish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came!

One, two! One, two! And through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.

"And, has thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!'
He chortled in his joy.

`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

lewis carroll 1872

your astrological predictions for 2007

2006-12-18T13:43:00.000Z

Aries March 21 - April 19
You will be reunited with a long-lost love as soon as the last of the snow melts away in March.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
After years of wandering purposefully through life, a chance encounter this April will at last restore your faith in mere coincidences.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
As upset as you'll be over breaking your New Year's resolution, it will ultimately pale in comparison to how friends and family members of your victims will feel.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
2007 might finally be the year when you take your life into your own hands and begin doing something proactive about your future. Keep checking back here to see if that's indeed the case.
Leo July 23 - August 22
July will see the arrival of an entirely new member of the family thanks to the ruthless progression of your great aunt's Alzheimer's disease.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
The next six months will be a time of great inner growth for you—but then any certified oncologist could have told you that.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Learn to focus on the positives this year, instead of just dwelling on January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, November, and December.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
This year will mark the 30th anniversary of Star Wars, so there's really little point in speculating what it will hold for you.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Travel will be at the top of your list in 2007, as you desperately bounce from one heart specialist to the next in hopes of some sort of treatment.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Marriage will feature prominently in your life during the first half of 2007, while hope and an opportune flight of stairs will feature prominently in your life during the second half.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
All your questions about the coming year will be answered moments after the purchase of a 2007 desk calendar.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
The New Year will start out with a bang for you. Unfortunately, it will also end with a bang for you.

2006-12-18T09:52:00.000Z

'the scream' returns from two-year vacation relaxed

2006-12-15T10:11:00.000Z

things will never be the same again

2006-12-14T12:11:00.000Z

my mother has suggested an artificial christmas tree.

panasonic introduces Portable 500-Disc Changer to compete against iPod

2006-12-11T14:47:00.000Z

r kelly's hip hopera explained

2006-12-07T12:46:00.000Z

Trapped in the Closet - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

news

2006-12-01T15:33:00.000Z

15,000 Brown People Dead Somewhere

a palindrome

2006-11-30T15:19:00.000Z

the wonderful demetri martin keeps popping up this week. by him:

Wow. OK. A still small animal sits afoot.
Tones I ring. I sing (i.e ride it, nuts open).
On or off, I riff. Uh… I, to lasses, say, “Oh aha, hah, all!”
It’s tops. It is a Tao, bro, to my baby demo.
Can one poet arise so rosy? As “D” I star. Comedy, baby. My my, a show.
Oh say, “my my,” baby.
Democrats? I’d say so. (Roses irate).
Open, on a comedy baby motorboat. As “it” I spot still a “ha hah!” ahoy. Assess a lot.
I huff, I riff, or on one post united, I reign.
I sign. I rise, not too fast.
I slam. In all, it’s a K.O. wow.

good advert for a chinese restaurant

2006-11-30T09:29:00.000Z

'how can one billion people be wrong?'

2006-11-24T17:27:00.000Z

victor borge

don't you wish he was your uncle?

not a gangsta in sight

2006-11-23T00:51:00.000Z

oh gosh, the edinburgh gang show again.

some personal comments:

1. if you are old enough to partake in the bucksfizz breakfast, or if you are of an age where shaving is (or should be) a regular ablution, you are too old to be on the stage. go away, get a proper job and let the kids have the limelight.

2. it is never, NEVER, appropriate to wolf whistle at a gang show.

3. a joke that contains both the name 'paul mccartney' and a false leg is neither appropriate nor funny.

4. IT IS A FRIGGIN KIDS SHOW. enough of the jokes concerning slappers and daleks sticking their plungers anywhere.

5. buying 50 bags of chewy gums to share between 4 boys is excessive however flush you feel with your ten pound note.

this is zimbabwe

2006-11-19T18:57:00.000Z

'Zimbabwe has found itself at the nexus of an Aids pandemic, a food crisis and an economic meltdown that is killing an estimated 3,500 people every week. That figure is more than those dying in Iraq, Darfur or Lebanon. In war-torn Afghanistan, where women's plight has received global attention, life expectancy is still above 40.' this is zimbabwe

2006-11-15T15:35:00.000Z

worth watching for sean & napoleon

peter kay asks...

2006-11-10T16:57:00.000Z

...if quizzes are quizzical then what are tests?

hpy itdy

2006-11-02T17:09:00.000Z

today is apparently my flatmate's half birthday. some people will use the feeblest of excuses for presents and attention. and of course we have to take his word for it cos frankly who is going to bother to work out whether he speaks the truth on this matter? actually, if you are reading this post you surely have too much time on your hands - his actual birthday is may 5th if you're interested in a little mathematical exercise...

silent busking

2006-10-31T15:17:00.000Z

me and a mystery flatmate are considering going busking - does anyone have a guitar we could borrow?

halloween

2006-10-30T11:02:00.000Z

me and my mate david went to a barbara cartland party. walking into a red-carpeted room with fabric wallpaper and being faced with 20 or so other barbaras was definitely one of the more surreal moments of my life so far.

one especially for you gail

2006-10-30T09:23:00.000Z

'do you know what a river fluke looks like? you know, it kinda goes sschhhhllllooooop.'

'do you think god is getting bigger or smaller?' (i wish i could remember more of these gems.)

'him?! ... but he's wearing denim twice!'

2006-10-26T18:43:00.000Z

i have never seen anything quite like this

it has literally left me speechless.

god save me

2006-10-18T22:15:00.000Z

'she did not care for children's books in which the children grew up, as what "growing up" entailed (in life as in books) was a swift and inexplicable dwindling of character; out of a clear blue sky the heroes and heroines abandoned their adventures for some dull sweetheart, got married and had families, and generally started acting like a bunch of cows.'
- donna tartt, the little friend.

2006-10-11T14:21:00.000Z

this makes me so happy

my dad

2006-10-10T11:38:00.000Z

don't know if you can recall sean connery in the indiana jones films....uncanny.

my weekend in italy and switzerland

2006-10-09T12:41:00.000Z

woop woop for spontaneous holidays...

credits: thanks to the legend dave, generous host and travelling companion of delight.

it is raining at the rookery

2006-10-08T22:55:00.000Z

and only eight hours ago i was here...

seven year olds rule ok

2006-10-04T21:51:00.000Z

today my friend sam told me that when he's older, in about 20 years, he would marry me... even if i am wrinkly like his deceased grandmother.

life in between two little villages

2006-10-04T11:46:00.000Z

so the lady in the post office a mile away made a comment about how late in the morning my curtains are remaining closed.

well goodbye dolly

2006-10-02T19:39:00.000Z

so i went to see my brother at the weekend and took my last trip in napoleon before he is sold...

...and even my special gift brought all the way from cairo could not convince my brother against the lure of a nissan primera.

irene

2006-10-02T19:34:00.000Z

look at my auntie irene. only a year ago she was only just out of intensive care unable to walk, talk or do pretty much anything. isn't she beautiful? (she is the one on the left.)

i think summer has gone

2006-10-02T19:28:00.000Z

crap soup

2006-10-01T13:50:00.000Z

said in all seriousness by dave lewis: 'I am finding it difficult working a 6 day week after being a student for so long but I'm sure I will get used to it in time. At least I get to work with koi everyday which makes it that much easier.'

cutting comments

2006-09-28T19:55:00.000Z

'oh hello. we're all drinking wine, can i interest you in a glass of urine?'

something i didn't know

2006-09-26T14:13:00.000Z

france used to occupy over a third of africa.

my horoscope

2006-09-23T22:16:00.000Z

Aquarius: To no avail, you will once again pray exactly 223 times for God to heal you of your lifelong obsessive-compulsive disorder.

images of home (i)

2006-09-21T17:23:00.000Z

the lake/infancy
pooh sticks

danger (a)

naughtiness

the boat club

the lake

the tunnel

danger (b)

the treehouse

home/hot air balloon/poppies/mr. jarmen

war photo limited

2006-09-20T13:07:00.000Z

check out the exhibitions of patrick robert & noel quidu.

daddy-long-legs

2006-09-20T13:05:00.000Z

i am now sleeping with a flyswat under my pillow. and according to the guardian we could be in for an october plague of them.

home

2006-09-19T17:36:00.000Z

i have arrived. unemployed. skint. solitary.

it is brilliant!

the end is nigh

2006-09-13T08:46:00.000Z

Report: Majority Of Americans Unprepared For Apocalypse

WASHINGTON, DC—99 percent of Americans are "ill-equipped" to deal with solar flares, giant comets, and an all-engulfing Armageddon borne out of God's wrath.

a good night's sleep

2006-09-11T15:30:00.000Z

we had a fire

2006-09-07T09:14:00.000Z

there is never a dull moment in an administrator's day.

a joke

2006-08-31T09:51:00.000Z

if you are american when you go into the toilet and american when you come out of the toilet, what are you when you are actually on the toilet?...
...european

troilus & cressida

2006-08-28T14:49:00.000Z

don't let their jovial grins fool you, it is a tragedy. oh yes, ho hum, three and a half hours of tragedy. watched 3 and a half times equals 8 and 3 quarter hours of tragedy.

best line: 'privy silence my boy, for i profit not by thy talk.' .....if only he had obeyed.

daniel kitson: c90

2006-08-28T14:39:00.000Z

definitely my festival highlight this year. completely unexpected, suitably funny, wholly entertaining.

shoe news

2006-08-16T14:26:00.000Z

i have just discovered that the cobblers down the road is called 'shoeperior'. impressive. even more impressive would be the advertising slogan 'shoeperior shoe repair'. however the round man behind the counter doesn't look like he cares much about filling niches in the market.

rushmore

2006-08-08T12:49:00.000Z

can anyone tell me how it ends?

he is so rock

2006-08-04T09:59:00.000Z

woop woop for the start of the festival. tim minchin is a good place to begin.

engrish of the day

2006-08-02T12:24:00.000Z

courtesy of engrish.com

that's the chemo speaking

2006-07-20T15:01:00.000Z

nighty night.
comedy genius.

there's been a murder

2006-07-19T08:33:00.000Z

Jacques Sauna-Lurker lay dead in the main hallway of the National Art Gallery of Fine Paintings. A three-foot-long codfish had been inserted forcefully into his gullet, blocking both oesophageal and tracheal tubes. This was no ordinary murder.In his own blood the dying man had written a single sentence in splashy, red letters:

THE CHATHOLIC CURCH HAD ME MURDERED!

For long seconds Donglan stared at the mysterious message. 'That, Dr Donglan,' said Tash, 'is why we have called you in at this time. That mysterious message.'
'It may,' said Robert, 'be an anagram.'
'We wondered about that,' said Tash. 'Can you decipher it?'
Donglan smiled. 'Of course. It is my speciality as an anagrammatologist. Hang on a minute,' he said, 'whilst I work this out.' He pulled out a small notepad from his jacket pocket and extricated a felt-tip pen from the row of wire hoops that held the pages together. In minutes he had worked through the possibilities and turned to the inspector. 'I think the curator was trying to tell us this.' He held his notebook up. On the leading page he had writeen:

H! THE 'CCC' COME HARD, HURDLE A COLT

The policeman looked at the sentence for a very long time. 'I see,' he said. 'What do you think it means?'
'We need to find out who "CCC" are - or is,' said Donglan. 'And establish whether the reference is to an actual colt, or a metaphorical colt. It seems clear to me that a sinister organisation of former communists murdered Sauna-Lurker, their motives being somehow tied up with a colt, possibly something called Project Colt, or something else along those lines. Inspector, I'd suggest you concentrate your investigation in that area.'
-Dan Brine, the Va Dinci Cod

mafia

2006-07-17T11:55:00.000Z

gosh, there is so much more to the game than i realised. isn't the world big.

the african commentary...in english

2006-07-10T10:13:00.000Z

New book makes Bible relevant in African eyes

Xan Rice in Nairobi
Monday July 10, 2006
The Guardian

"The one with diarrhoea opens the door" might seem an unlikely sentence in a book explaining biblical scriptures. So too essays on witchcraft, rape, ancestral worship and female genital mutilation - especially on a continent where attitudes to Christianity are usually conservative.

But Africa Bible Commentary, a new 1,600-page tome, provides explanations of verses from all 66 books of the Bible, using local proverbs and idioms to make reading relevant to African eyes while remaining true to the scriptures. More than a decade in the making, the book has been put together by 70 scholars and theologians from 25 countries, and represents a range of Protestant churches.

"Never before has there been a commentary like this written solely by Africans," said Tokunboh Adeyemo, the book's editor, after its launch in Kenya last week. "The Bible has global meaning but the interpretation needs to be local."

Even with a £15 price tag, early sales appear brisk. But there are contradictions between Christianity and age-old traditions and taboos, and it is these tensions that the book seeks to address. In the Old Testament, for example, Ruth's decision to look for food on arriving in Bethlehem instead of waiting for assistance is explained by the Malawian saying "the one with diarrhoea opens the door" - meaning that the one with a problem goes to seek help.

The most controversial material is to be found in essays that give instruction on how to behave in the modern world. In the section on Genesis, a Kenyan theologian says of female genital mutilation: "To abuse the body in a way that destroys the ability to appreciate one of God's gifts is an insult to his creation." Widow inheritance, still common in many tribes, is deemed to "conflict with the Christian belief that death ends the marriage union". But other interpretations are more literal. Homosexuality is described as "having deep roots in our sinful nature".

The book, first published in English, will soon be available in French, with Swahili, Amharic, Portuguese, Yoruba, Zulu and Afrikaans versions also planned.

a trailer for my life

2006-07-07T11:27:00.000Z

first there was...

then they became...

and now they are...

freedom don't come for free

2006-07-04T08:53:00.000Z

'i have 3 terrorists heading south-east on akhalakhabakha street.'
team america...everyone should watch it...except my parents.

crime doesn't pay...

2006-06-30T10:08:00.000Z

...tell that to agatha christie.
- milton jones

what egypt has taught me so far

2006-06-17T14:49:00.000Z

1. big stone triangles are impressive close up.
2. heiroglyphics can be fun.
3. there exists a camel named michael jackson.

i am 6 in a million

2006-06-08T12:56:00.000Z

name or category: BRYON

occurrences per million names: 6

surname profiler

the old ones are the old ones

2006-06-05T10:13:00.000Z

it has been a while since... http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/numa.php

count the black dots

2006-06-04T13:38:00.000Z

wrong interview

2006-06-03T09:57:00.000Z

so Guy turns up at the bbc for a job interview but is mistaken for another Guy and ends up live on the news as an expert in the field of internet music downlaods...

wrong interview

annanonanaemic

2006-06-01T11:00:00.000Z

i am not anaemic. the hypochondriac in me is a little bit disappointed.

this post very nearly had a bad word in its title

2006-05-31T12:14:00.000Z

zimbabwe destruction

bored at home? create your own zoo

2006-05-29T15:48:00.000Z

oo-er

2006-05-26T13:43:00.000Z

Prayer is like watching for the Kingfisher:
All you can do is
Be where he is likely to appear, and
Wait.
Often, nothing much happens;
There is space, silence and
Expectancy.
No visible sign, only the
Knowledge that he's been there,
And may come again.
Seeing or not seeing cease to matter,
You have been prepared.
But sometimes, when you've almost
Stopped expecting it,
A flash of brightness
Gives encouragement.

Ann Lewin

who is mama popcorn?

2006-05-22T10:51:00.000Z

www.mamapopcorn.com

wanna know what i'm made of?

2006-05-19T15:03:00.000Z

FAT enough for seven bars of soap
IRON enough for one medium-sized nail
LIME enough to whitewash one chicken coop
PHOSPHOROUS enough to tip two thousand two hundred matches
MAGNESIUM enough for one dose of salts
SUGAR enough for seven cups of tea
POTASH enough to explode one toy crane
SULPHUR enough to rid one dog of fleas

... they never told me of my potential at school. i could start my own flippin hardware shop - with a tea room attached!